I've been a little in my emotions these past 2 weeks. I've been feeling "Out-of-Place" with my colleagues and, up until now, with the people that I'd been calling my close friends. No lie, I've been feeling some type of way towards the people who are the closest to me. And, as usual, when I begin to feel certain spectrums of my life shift, I turn towards reading my horoscopes and planetary signs.
***SIDE NOTE: I am really intrigued by anything having to do with Astrology and Astronomy. I am always down for finding out new information having to do with Birth Personality traits and Western and Eastern Astrology.***
I read my Chinese horoscope last night before bed. I'm am born under the year of the Earth Snake. I am literally an Earth Sign through and through (haha...have fun with that). Most of which means I'm stubborn, I'm steadfast, I'm cautious, and consistent. While I was reading my personality traits I got to the part about Earth Snakes in Relationships (Romantic/Family/Friendship).
"Essentially
loners, Snake people commonly keep their own counsel and rely
on themselves to get ahead in life, mistrusting others' thoughts
and opinions on matters of the utmost importance."(Chiff.com)
I thought about that for a bit. I'm not a 'loner' type of person though. I am most def. the type of girl who loves to go out dancing or have a drink or two with a girlfriend/friend. I love going shopping and going to the movies and spending time with my closest friends to just chill and talk about life. I an also most def. the girl to go to for an intelligent conversation; I crave it all the time. Capricorns get this same depiction of being 'loner types' and or 'secretive' and 'non-trusting'. And each time I read that description I protest against it. Because I don't feel myself to be anything like that; or at least not to the extreme of what my Signs had been describing.
As I scrunched my face at the bit of information I gathered on my Chinese Horoscope I thought about the meanings for a bit. And then it did hit me. I actually am a loner. (Sad Face). ONLY because of the very reasons listed. I truly, do NOT, trust as easily as others. I'd been hurt and broken so many times by the people I loved that I just automatically closed myself off from others; piece by piece. And then in the process I'd become bitter when I noticed I was being left out. I read the part about mistrusting others and being loners. Yes, I love to go out and spend time with friends and such, but I mean... and I asked myself this...how many times do [I] go out and have drinks and partake in intelligent conversations with just anybody? Not often. I mean, I can hold my own in social settings and I can make anyone feel like we're best friends. However, for someone to be able to truly get to know everything about me, to truly break through my barriers and get with me on a more personal/intimate level, is an achievement; Seeing as how I only let in who I let in and I only allow people to know certain information about myself on my terms. It's difficult to open up new and old wounds to potential friends because I hate being put in positions that allow me to feel vulnerable; a.k.a I hate when people know certain things about me and then later on use my words against me. I've learned my lesson for what feels like thousands of times.
"In matters
of the heart, the Snake is slow to allow others
into their inner circle, but once having gained their trust they can be
deeply amorous, and are known to be masters at seduction." (Chiff.com)This part is also true. Once I do allow someone into my circle, my element, my world- if you will- I am a loyal friend/lover to the end (Or at least I try my damndest to be). I love catering to people that I care for when I can. And I
Now...this is not me in any way complaining about my love life. I placed the previous quote in order to explain my latent sour feelings towards the people who, lately, have not been acting as true friends in my life. I find Friendship to be way more intimate than romantic partnership. Because I feel like when I call someone my "friend", they are somebody I feel myself around without fear of being judged or being manipulated to change. A friend to me is someone I consider to be so beautiful that to be parted from them for long periods of time makes me anxious and sad. A friend is someone who knows all of my secrets and shares all of theirs with me. A friend is someone who- no matter what they are doing or what I'm doing- takes the time to invite me places or goes out of their way to make me smile (and vice versa). And last but not least, tying into what I mentioned before, A friend (if they become blessed enough to make it to this level) makes the best lover! Because if you, in general, know they'll go out of their way to make you smile in regular settings, imagine what that friend will do for you in your most vulnerable states? Examples: They will hold you and be there for you when you cry and help you to not feel alone. You feel 5 times more exhilirated when they are there to support everything you do; not to mention they totally make you feel more confident in yourself than anyone else could. Sex will be emotional and you both will connect on an even deeper level (With sex there are no secrets. Everything is laid out on the table. With sex there is no 'hiding' the love you have for that person. So if you both recognize each others' love for one another when speaking, imagine how making love would feel with that one person who just gets you.). Friendship, I feel, is the foundation for most successful relationships long-term romantic.
"Jealous in nature, they do not handle rejection well at all. And woe to those who betray the affection of the passionate snake! Even in friendships or business dealings in which they feel wronged, they can strike back without a moments notice." (Chiff.com)
I most definitely fit this description. I do. And I recognize that. When I go out of my way to refer to someone as my 'friend' I just expect them to act like it. And so when that 'friend' hurts me in some way shape or form they got me looking at them sideways like, "You sure I can trust you?". I don't often go around calling just anyone my 'best friend' let alone my 'friend'. And it's like,
"You know me! You know that NOT inviting me anywhere when I invite you to everything is RUDE. You know that I hate secrets. At least if we're friends you should never have to feel like you need to keep something from me. You should be able to talk about anything with me. And then DO NOT tell me I can talk to you about anything and everything and then not give 0 f***s about my secrets in the end. Also...You know I hate giving out my clothes for people to borrow...so WHY have you not given my clothes back in going on 7 months??? You're supposed to know everything about me friend...so where you at???"
And no matter how much I improve, we always end up with the same conclusion. I don't like confrontation. So instead of saying what's on my mind then and there I let it sit. You know...hoping that this 'friend' would feel my sense of pissieness and fix their side of the issue. They don't because they're too self-absorbed. Then I blow up. No more friendship. Because I can't ever seem to choose the friends who accept me and love me for who I am and who are able to have a full blown argument with me and then forgive me the next day (it's always one-sided).
"As they mature, snakes don't exhibit this tendency often, however, since their experience will already have taught them who to let in and who to exclude from their personal or business life." (Chiff.com)
I read this part and sighed a little. I used to have so many girlfriends. I really did. And ever since I can remember I never found it hard to make more friends. But the more girls I allowed in my life, the more trouble. And honestly it's not just women who cause drama. It was really just the type of people I chose to place my trust in. And I've learned through life's experiences so far that I'd rather be alone and have respect from others than have all the friends in the world and none of them reciprocate the same amount of love I give them. For some reason I've always been good at detecting when people will screw me over or when they will prove that they weren't worthy of being my friendship to begin with. But each time I'm still the one being left out or set aside; like a second thought. I want to have that close net of sisterhood again. That same feeling I had when I would take roadtrips with my besties. That feeling of staying up waayy past my bedtime talking to my best girlfriend who gets every weird part about me. My current bestfriend is my boyfriend. But sometimes I just don't count him because not only is he my lover and friend but...he's a man. And sometimes, no matter how much we're around one another and the fact that we live together, being my man in the same house as me is not enough. I need a fellow female aura around. I need my next 'Soul Sista' to say the least. I need that one person who just really recognizes my soul. Namaste: 'My Soul recognizes yours'. I'm feeling that need to reach out. I've been keeping myself distant- not on purpose but subconsciously- for far too long. It's time for me to back off of those who obviously want nothing important to do with or in my life and time for me to reach out to those who genuinely want to be a positive force in my atmosphere.
I'd been feeling some type of way because I've been seeing all of these photos pop up on my FB newsfeed of friends hanging with each other without me (after they said we'd all get together), girlfriends out and about enjoying the town and loving life. I may not trust easily but if I trust you enough to call you my friend then we should be smooth sailing from there. And the excuses are Bullshit too. "Oh I'm so busy. You know how it is?" or "I just felt like maybe you didn't want to come...? Like I didn't think you'd be into it." No. NO. Yea I may be too busy to take advantage of the outing invite, but best believe I'd appreciate it more that you thought about me even if I turned it down. You're so busy my butt! If you were soo busy, too busy to keep up with me or to make the effort, but yet you totally found enough time to invite those people in the photo sharing drinks with you! You had enough time to text/call that other friend that (you met through me...I might add)!
Now don't get me wrong, I actually DO have friends (haha). <---These people just so happen to either not live in the same city as me or they have children (lol). I love them to death. I understand that when it comes to my friends who are further away or who are currently going through situations that I've yet to experience (aka motherhood/parenthood) it's difficult to keep up with one another so on those rare times when we are actually able to see each other is special and we take advantage of every moment we have together. But for those who are around, who are able to see me if they'd just get off their lazy asses, or who are able to speak to me if they'd call (or call back!!!), are the ones I no longer have time for. I'm finished feeling like the only one who tries.
I don't know...This is not me seeking attention but rather ranting about the changes in my life. Getting it off of my chest, if you will. I'm going to back off. From now on, I'm going to reach out to those with 'like-minds' and thoughts. I've never been the girl to not be friends with someone because they think differently or because they look different. Nor have I ever been the one to be friends with someone who judges, or with a person who has no set goals in life. I find friendships like that to be pointless and frustrating. From now on I want to become closer to those who will not judge me nor try to change me. To people who have 'like-minds' and 'like-thinking'; and if they so happen to think differently they at least need to be able to accept me fully for all that I am.
(Just something I had to say...)
~Avery
***For any other details on Chinese Horoscopes/Traits go to this site: (below)***
http://www.chiff.com/home_life/holiday/chinese-new-year-snake.htm
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